The point of having a blog is to update it.

Yeah, as if. I suppose I would have already updated if I didn't spend my entire weekend sitting on my ass and watching television. Oh, and did I mention that I was having anxiety attacks for no reason last week? Well guess what, I discovered it wasn't 'for no reason'... it was caused by coffee! Yep. So here I am now, drinking a wimpy-ass cup of tea. At least I'm not freaking out.

A few things about me that I bet you didn't already know:

1) I'm allergic to almonds, but I eat them more than probably any other nut.

2) I didn't learn to ride a two-wheel bike until I was about 8, but I could swim at around age 3.

3) I pay for almost everything I buy with cash, but I do all of my banking online.

4) I've seen Metallica live 4 times, and never payed once to see them.

5) I still have the teddy bear that was gifted to me before I was even born.

6) Some of my most annoying 'habits' are things I actually do purposely to get a reaction from people. I'm irritating that way.

7) I've never voted for the same party twice in an election.

8) The most expensive thing in my wardrobe is a pair of these:


Mine are a different color, though. I bought them as a late birthday gift to myself 2 years ago for a mere $450. They are totally worth it.

9) I sometimes pretend to be a pacifist, but I'm not one by any stretch of the imagination.

10) My dog was actually supposed to be a black lab, but in the end I guess a pug was a better fit for a neurotic person such as myself.


11) I've never liked having a boyfriend who made more money than me.

12) I pretty much think everything is overrated, including stuff I like.

13) Whenever I wear my Philadelphia Eagles hat, they lose by a huge margin. Or don't win the Superbowl, like that one time. Sorry.

14) I actually have pink bunny slippers.

15) One time I made a vegetarian meatloaf. It was the grossest thing I've ever cooked.

xo

The lemmings are coming.

If you were around in 1919 and came across the following poster...



... I mean, SERIOUSLY, would you actually quit drinking???

Random shit.

1) I don't believe in having a 'career'. Fuck, I HATE that word. Anything I do for money is a JOB, and because it is a JOB that means I probably will never really like it, but I probably will keep doing it because I need the money. For example, my current job. Do I hate it? Not really... well, sometimes I do. It's like lining up a bunch of bunnies, and at the end there is somehow a turtle. I am the 'turtle' of my work. I don't really fit in at my job because I have very different interests than everyone else who works here. But whatever, it's a JOB. At least I get to go home eventually, and it's not like I don't get sick days and benefits and stuff.

2) I am totally one of those people who always has a better story than you (but at least my better stories are true, and yours are just desperate attempts at seeking attention from people who will never like you anyway), and I was once told by some asshole or other how that was annoying, so I said "What's annoying about it, that it makes you realize how BORING YOUR LIFE IS?". Anyway, my BF is also one of those 'better story than you' people, so I guess burn on me.

3) People in this city are so not stylish.

4) Okay, so because everybody gets super offended by commentary I make about weight, I am now going to slander skinny people. Cigarettes and bottled water are not food.

5) I think I have to start a new trend that involves moving to a particular place to make it cool. So everybody and their gerbil from Cowtown has moved/is moving to Vancouver which means that it is now played out. Maybe I can move to THUNDER BAY and have a few people follow suit then THAT will we the cool place to move to.

6) Life without Food Network sucks so bad I almost want to cut my own head off.

xo

Kitchen Nightmares.

Guess what, I was trying on fedora-type brimmed hats today because I wanted to buy one... but my head is too small. That's right, I have a fucking pea head. Laugh it up.

Around here we have certain rules.

So, it's only Tuesday and I have already heard people say some of the DUMBEST things ever in life. I don't even want to get into it because I'm already in a borderline bad mood because of the stupid broad in the BMW who refused to let me switch lanes. Lady, I've been signaling since two blocks ago, cut me some fucking slack!

Today I am wearing the assholest sweater ever, maroon with an even more pretentious red, mustard yellow, and beige argyle pattern on the front. My BF asked me when I was going golfing, but I wouldn't actually wear this sweater for that; it cost too much for me to sweat in it. I suck at golf (no one EVER invites me to play with them unless someone else can't make it), so when I do go I take the opportunity to make fun of it. What I am GOOD at is driving the cart around like a maniac and drinking beer. Oh, and also holding up my group because we always have to let like 30 people play through, I'm that shitty. Oh, this was actually supposed to be about a sweater but I just wrote a whole paragraph about golf.

There was all sorts of stuff I was considering doing this week, but now that the weather is all depressing I think I'm just going to sit around at home with my little dog and watch bad movies. Yes, my dog is little but she sounds like a bigger dog, plus she pretends to be very aggressive and vicious. It's fucking hilarious.

xo

Mondays are for assholes.

There, MAN TEAT, I totally changed the hot dog picture. Hope you're happy now.

Question... do you think there are certain things that are NOT appropriate to decorate your office with? Because right now my office is just a standard, douchebag corner office because I have this feeling I'm not supposed to offend anybody but BORING!
Would it be okay to put up those funny Halloween decorations I saw at Walmart even if it's not Halloween right now and leave them up year-round? Or does that make me the office creep? Then again, I think I was always the office creep anyway...?

Have you ever watched The Girl Next Door? I watched it for the first time last night (a long time ago I wanted to rent it, but my ass monkey boyfriend at the time wanted to rent Eurotrip. Yeah, what the fuck, stupid movie much?), and it was actually really good and cute. I don't know that it was very credible, but definitely it would have been a better choice than Eurotrip! Goddamnit.

I forgot magnetic poetry at home this morning, and now I have nothing to do. Maybe I'll carve pictures into the back of my door with an exacto knife. No I'm not a psycho. Office jobs are lame sometimes.

xo

Oh, and before I forget... what the fuck is 'ORIGIONAL'? Did they mean 'ORIGINAL'? Or maybe there is a such word as 'ORIGION', and I'm the one who's completely fucked in the head. Huh. Not bloody likely.

Holy pretentious.

New York Magnetic poetry. That's the back of Nylon magazine. Cheesy times.

Also, I bought a new red coat. 55 bones only, it is probably cuter than your new coat. Picture later when I am less lazy.

Also part 2, last night we made up a really good shooter- sambuca bomb (don't know how 'sambuca' is spelled, don't want to look it up). Like jagerbomb without the jager. Really good, but if you order this at the bar don't forget to credit me and my friend for inventing it or we totally know where you live and will come after you.

I think I am going bowling tomorrow night. No, you can't come because it's date night.

xo

Yes, I know.

So, my friend told me he preferred my blog header when the hot dog was in color. I actually don't remember that was even ever in color...? But whatevs, I was going to change it back, then I realized that the original pic is on my work computer not on my laptop. Sorry buddy, but the hot dog stays black and white until Monday because I am not going to my work on the weekend just to change it.

Things that crack my shit up:

1) Arm Scrote. Do you know what the fuck that is? It's when you extend your arm, and pull down that hangy skin that's over your elbow. We were doing that at BSB's last night, and I said "That looks like a nutsack (or maybe I said BALLSACK, I don't remember)". Then we decided it just looked like a scrotum, hence ARM SCROTE.

2) Meatnut. I don't really want to say what that is for real because I think my one friend wants to try and market it or something? Either way, that is now his new nickname because it goes so well with my other friend's nickname which is MAN TEAT.
Yes, I know, my friends have really good nicknames. Way better than your friends' nicknames I'll bet.

Those are the only two things that I find funny currently, so now I think I'll stop writing this and go eat sushi like I've been planning since 2 in the afternoon.

xo

p.s.- everybody in this city who drives a nice car is also a very bad driver suffering from small penis syndrome (or whatever the equivalent of that is if you're a chick). I don't have to drive a nice car because I'm already hot.

By the way...

Lately I have a super hate-on for fat people. Don't you WANT to be thin? Don't you ever look in the mirror and go, "Wow, I look SO terrible... maybe today I won't eat ten coconut cream pies"...? Fuck.

Okay, so here's a story for you. I used to be fat. The end. No, but really. I obviously am not fat anymore, but I was once, and no I will not post pictures because I probably burned all of them since I was unrecognizable and that was a very depressing time in my life. So just so you know, during that time I ate nothing healthy at all. I was in a 'relationship' with a layabout stoner dude, and every night after getting stoned, I'd go to 7-11 and buy $40 worth of junk food and eat then eat it all in around 15 minutes. And here's the thing, I only got rid of all of my fat clothes YESTERDAY. Yeah, I'd secretly been holding on to them for all this time because I always had a fear deep down that maybe I'd need them again someday.
So please don't take that 'fat people hate-on' comment too seriously. I remember always looking in the mirror and wanting to be thin, but at that time it just wasn't possible. And it probably isn't possible for everybody, so sorry. Whatever. This is supposed to be a comedy blog and this isn't very funny.

Why raisins are evil.

Yes, they are. Even more evil than Walmart (because I am cheap and broke half the time I shop there, but that's the only reason. If I had other options I'd take them).

1) They are shriveled grapes. Like, dead fucking shrunken up grapes. Sick.

2) Everybody tries to give them to kids for like Halloween... but what kid is gonna mistake that for candy? Oh look, I got a box of mouse turds, AWESOME.

3) Um, this isn't part of the list... I have to go to a MEETING, so I'll finish this after...

4) Back from meeting. Raisins are one of those things moms use in baking to trick you into eating something healthy. There's nothing worse than biting into a cookie or muffin thinking "yessss, chocolate chips", and then getting a mouthful of wrinkled dry fruity bits. Nasty.

5) People put them in savoury dishes to try and be 'creative' with their cooking. Okay, so to me creative is adding figs or pistachios or something... raisins are like the last resort when you want to make something super pretentious for supper but you're all out of anything cool, so it's either those or canned fried onions (which are the grossest shit ever in my opinion). At that point I'd be like "I pick NEITHER".

6)

What the fuck is scarier than that? Probably nothing. They look like pieces of shit... and they singing. Singing poo. Nightmare City.

Hot dog...

Lookie what I found.



Ahahahaha!
This is hot dog porn at Tubby Dog from two summers ago. I think on this night me and my friend went drunk bike riding around town and we ended up at a gay bar just because it was that or somewhere far, far shittier.
My boyfriend at the time wasn't impressed. Whatever... he's still a total pussy.

xo

I poisoned it.

I don't tip for shitty service. Ever. Also, I totally don't agree with people who say retail workers should get tips. Why? They just stand there and look smug while I try on their stupidly-sized clothes, and periodically they ask 'Can I help you find anything?' in an unenergetic manner that makes me believe that they don't REALLY want to help me find anything (they don't). And what, I'm supposed to believe that's hard? No way. A limbless cat could do your job, so don't complain that only people in the service industry get tips.

I'm single-handedly trying to revive certain things/sayings because what we already have is lame and played out. I'd make a list of things I'm trying to revive on here, but fuck that. You'll just steal them and pretend it was all your idea.

Lately I have a super hate-on for fat people. Don't you WANT to be thin? Don't you ever look in the mirror and go, "Wow, I look SO terrible... maybe today I won't eat ten coconut cream pies"...? Fuck.

The next independently wealthy person I meet, I'm going to punch them in the face.

I have like ten million keys on my desk that AREN'T keys to any of my three mobile desk drawers. What do they open, I wonder?

AVOcado, not AVAcado. I hate when people argue with me that the second spelling is correct.

People at the dog park are fucking morons. They look at my dog (OBVIOUSLY it's a pug) and ask me, "is that a pug?"
NO. It's a Great Dane, actually, but thanks for asking so that I could clarify for you.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend a good, solid kick in the teeth.

1) Is it wrong to be stoked about something just because of the 'I told you so' factor? Because I am ALWAYS stoked about shit like that. I'm one of those horrible people who's constantly like, "Oh, I have a very bad feeling about this person" but then my friends think I'm on glue. For the record, I've only been wrong about how shitty people are maybe twice in my entire life. Stick that in your eyeball and twist it.

2) I don't care what that bump in my back is anymore. It hasn't gotten any bigger, it doesn't hurt, so fuck it.

3) There's no 'I' in 'TEAM', but there is MEAT.

4) Why is it that when I buy 'regular' length jeans they're almost always just a bit too short for me, but when I buy 'long' or 'tall' they're made for people whose legs are as long as my entire body?

5) I have to take my dog to the groomers on Saturday. It had better be worth $40.

6) Did it always cost $87 to get a new passport? Did I hallucinate that it used to be cheaper? Probably.

xo

This isn't a list.

I just wanted to say how I hate that I always look like Douchebag Central in my passport photos, and yet they cost me $20. Yeah, I could get them done for free... but the last time I did, those fuckers at Passports Canada made me get them taken again for some completely bogus reason. What a load of crap.

xo

Things that annoy me, part 3.

1) ACRONYMS. Seriously, fuck off.

2) People who claim to be allergic to certain foods instead of just admitting to others (and themselves) that THEY DON'T LIKE THEM. And I'm not talking about nut allergies here, because that is some serious stuff right there... but stupid shit like, "I'm allergic to cilantro" or "I'm allergic to bleu cheese". No you're not, they're just foods you hate because you've apparently been living under a rock for the past 3 decades, and you still try to order fucking chicken chow mein at a Vietnamese restaurant.

3) Militant text messaging. And by that, I mean people who refuse to answer their phones unless you text them. EAT ME. Cellular telephones were not developed so we could go back to an archaic method of communication. It's a goddamned phone; use it as such! Otherwise from now on, you can contact me via smoke signals only, okay?

4) People who NEVER wash their hands after they use the bathroom. If you want to know, I've noticed that women are ESPECIALLY bad for this. Do you realize how many times I've seen some chick come out of a bathroom stall and then proceed to fix her hair or makeup? Total barftown... so maybe you like having fecal matter in your hair?
The worst part is that it is always at one of those places where the bathroom door has a handle, so when they leave before me I get stuck trying to figure out how to get the fuck out of there without touching the same handle they just put their shit-laden hands all over. Ugh.

5) Hummers. Hi, small dick much?

6) Girls who ask me how old I am, then act insulted when they realize I'm like half a decade older than they are, yet look at least a decade younger. "No way... you're lying." Yes, because if I were actually lying I'd make myself OLDER. It's not my fault you have bad genes and don't know what sunscreen is.

7) People who only invite me to stuff when someone else can't make it, or at the very last minute when everyone else has already known about it for weeks. Yeah... sorry, but I'm shaving the cat that night, and then clipping my toenails. I'm not stupid, and don't need the pity party, thanks.

xo

Weird/funny things that I'm just noticing I own/are in my room.

1) A giant, probably really old, cannister (container? barrel? What the fuck is it?) of NON-FLAVORED (siiiiiccccckkkk) protein powder.

2) 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. Oh wait... I read it. It was actually interesting and good. He's way less douchey in published format.

3) Plush versions of Homer and Marge Simpson.

4) A metal elephant-shaped watering can.

5) A Leaning Tower of Pisa in puzzle form.

6) A 'Reefer Madness' DVD. Haha... remember when I used to smoke drugs??

7) These fucked up, satanic-looking little ceramic (oh, maybe they're 'terra cotta') bull statue thingies from Peru. I think.

8) A bag of tiny plastic skulls.

9) A string of patio lights shaped like popsicles. I think I once may have used them as a light fixture for my living room three apartments ago.

10) Dante's Inferno. Actually, that's probably not weird at all.

xo

Things that are awesome, A-Z.

Air conditioning. No, really. When you live in a house that was built before sometime in the late 90s, it really makes sense.

Bacon. And not like turkey bacon, which I sometimes have to eat when I'm on a diet, but the real deal. There is NOTHING that bacon can't make better.

Coconut water. Um, delicious.

Devil's Dictionary.

Everclear. Kidding. That shit's nasty; check out the 2nd post on this blog for more info. Eggplant is a better thing.

FOOTLOOSE. Yesssss.

Gravity. Duh.

HIGH VOLTAGE!

Internet. Love hate, love hate. Mostly just 'like'.

Junk food. In doses, though, not like a regularly scheduled part of your diet.

Korean BBQ. No elaboration required.

Lychees. Okay, so I like foodstuffs a lot. Get bent.

Mexicant. Because I'm not a Mexican.

Notoriety.

Orange juice. But not warm stuff that's been left on the counter by a neglectful (read: asshole) roommate.

Parmesan cheese.

Q-tips. But not the generic ones.

'Retarded'. Come on, don't be so PC. You know it's a funny word to use.

Superstore. I hate shopping there (too many Chinese people running into me with their carts), but it's the only supermarket that consistently fits my budget.

Tubby Dog

Ubiquitous. Just because no one ever knows what it means. If you have to look it up, get the hell off my blog now.

Van Halen/Hagar.

Wolf Like Me.

Xanthan gum. Um, it's that ingredient (preservative, whatever) that you always find on the back of the box and go, "just what in the fuck IS that stuff?". Yeah... I still don't really know. I just couldn't think of anything better that started with 'X'.

Yelling instead of just talking.

Zooey. My dog. Lame, but whatever.

Things other people like that I find questionable/weird/dumb.

1) World of Warcraft. Okay, so if I REALLY need to elaborate on this one to any of you, then we are going to have some pretty major issues in the future.

2) Baseball. And I don't mean playing it, because slo-pitch and fastball (not that I can even play fastball) can be pretty fun to play. But actually watching MLB on television is something that I just don't get. I mean, it's not like you can even buy an overpriced beer and hotdog to get you through the torture of watching borderline-in-shape dudes spit in the dirt and pick their asses.

3) 'Cool' Sushi places. In Calgary, for instance, there is this one place that everybody's always raving about called Globefish. It's the hip place to go for sushi for your birthday, or whatever other occasions there are in life (celebration of divorce? Getting out of prison? Quitting cocaine for good?), which is fine in theory... until you actually eat there and realize how craptastic the sushi is! I don't really care what anybody says, but there is no way I will sacrifice the quality of food just for atmosphere. Seriously, when I'm hungry I say screw 'cool'.

4) Those 'dimple' facial piercings girls seem to always get. You weren't born with dimples... deal with it already.

5) Wearing leggings as pants. Yeah. I thought so. *

6) Going to the casino just for 'something to do'. People, we live in the kind of society where pretty much EVERYBODY is broke 65% of the time. Don't make me ask you where you're getting all this extra money to play slots with.

xo


* Edit: Um, so I totally wore leggings as pants today. It's probably not that questionable. The end.

Things that annoy me, part 2.

1) My dog totally took the HUGEST DUMP ever this morning. In fact, she's been taking pretty big dumps lately... I think it's because since my parents have been in town, they're feeding her things that I normally wouldn't even let her look at.

2) People who are constantly getting viruses on their computers because they open files sent in emails that are not legit (as in, sent by co-workers, or from somewhere- like Ticketmaster, or Amazon- they have actually dealt with recently).

WHO OPENS MYSTERY FILES????

Well, obviously only people who were dropped on their heads at birth.

3) Anyone who acts like the contents of the communal fridge at work are also communal. Uh, no. Go buy your own milk for coffee; we're paid around the same salary, so I have no idea why YOU can't afford it.

4) People who are all "Blah, blah, blah, I am so healthy and only eat salads, and don't eat bread, and never ask for cheese or mayo on anything, blahblahblah" in front of others, then you go to their houses and find fast food garbage in their wastebaskets, and bags of cookies and chips in their pantries. HYPOCRITICAL MUCH?

5) ASSHOLES who make fun of the fact that I drive an economy car (because APPARENTLY only MIDGETS, POOR PEOPLE, and UGLY PEOPLE drive them- nice try, jerkface) and then proceed to complain endlessly about how it costs them like $200 to fill the tank of their stupid, giant, gas-guzzling, armageddon-causing vehicle. Seriously, SHUT UP.
No one made you buy that vehicle, okay? You made that choice all on your own.

6) Fat people who whine and cry about being fat, but continue to eat 6000 times a day. You know what would be better for you than a diet (that you're not going to stick to anyway because you're too mentally weak)? A gun. You're welcome.

xo

Alcoholic beverages (cocktails, shooters, straight up liquor, etc.) that suck.

1) Blowjob. What a freakin' stupid shooter. Yes, because I TOTALLY want to do a shot where I don't use my hands, and get whipped cream all over my face! And you wonder why I never actually tell people when my birthday is? . Retard city.

2) Amaretto. BARFTOWN. It tastes like FAKE ALMONDS, people. It's gross in shooters (Gladiator, anyone?), it's gross on its own. Hey, does anyone remember those gay-ass Disaronno commercials where the chick orders a glass of that shit on the rocks? Ugh!

3) BUDWEISER. Who drinks Budweiser? Anybody? Because if you do, you obviously have issues or just don't realize that out of every beer available to you, you are electing to drink the one that tastes the most like monkey piss. Yeah, I went there.

4) Fireball whiskey. Anybody who has ever heard my story about the time I quaffed an entire bottle of that stuff AND demolished a whole bag of cheese puffs at the same time will likely have to concur.

5) Everclear. Okay, so I'm a little on the fence with this one because while it is pretty sick, it's pretty okay if you just put a bit of it in punch or something. But then again, it's the kind of booze that gets you the sort of drunk where you fear your vision may never return... so it probably does fall mostly on the 'suck' side of things.

6) Pretty much any booze that needs to be advertised on television. I'm sorry, but if your product is actually as good as you claim, why the desperation? Word of mouth is as good as anything.

xo

Things that annoy me, part 1.

1) Having co-workers. I mean, seriously... life would be better and so much easier if I could just go to work every day and have NO ONE BE THERE. Oh wait... that's called self-employment... and that takes way too much effort.

2) People who insist on talking politics when they have NO IDEA what the hell they're even talking about. If you don't know, do research. Or just don't say anything- sometimes silence is golden. Okay, so not 'sometimes'- most of the time.

3) Anyone who thinks that they instantly become more attractive based on the car they drive. Umm... yes, that's a nice car. And yes, you're STILL ugly. And boring.

4) People who keep phoning, can't be bothered to leave a message, and then get angry like "Um, holy fuck, that was like a TOTAL EMERGENCY. Why didn't you answer your phone???". Alright... I'm not always around to answer my phone, okay? It's called having a life, and it's something we're all entitled to (well... maybe not ALL of us...). The way it works is that if you leave a message on my voicemail, I will check it and get back to you because then at least I will know what it is about. If you keep phoning without the message, I just assume you need someone to go get drunk with, and I have way better things to do with my time than spend my hard-earned money on shitty, overpriced booze.

5) People who still insist on speaking with English accents when they've LIVED HERE FOR LIKE 500 YEARS ALREADY. Get fucked. This isn't England, it's goddamned North America. How am I supposed to believe that you still have that stupid accent after all this time? I don't. I seriously went to school with this girl who moved here from Scotland when she was 12. For the first little while she still had a pretty thick accent, but after about 3 years you could barely even tell it was there, which means that the rest of you shitheads are FAKING IT.

6) The fact that it's 2008 and FLYING CARS don't yet exist, and neither does TELEPORTATION! The human race is a bunch of assholes.

xo